samples.txt

Ræbæ'me, god of genetically-modified foods, builds a radio station in the salt marshes, because it felt like it. 

Ealaechkleoraew, goddess of fourth-generation optical discs, builds a Peruvian restaurant on Mount Buggery as a substitute jasmine. 

Eethxax, demon of agnosticism, builds a tarry hermitage to agnosticism because only by doing so will the balance of the universe be restored. 

Eix'eoleix'eolququ, patron saint of data storage, builds a simplest cathedral to data storage to pass time while cooking cumin. 

Kliv, creator of will-o-the-wisps, builds a holiday home in Asgard because they felt like it. 

Eeph'faeklaton, patron saint of intelligent transportation systems, builds a clearing in the Grand Duchy of Lithuania to pass time while cooking lasagne. 

Apbubu, goddess of kangaroos, builds a lessening roadside shrine to kangaroos for reasons which ought to be obvious. 

Seuqugei'duot, god of maintenance, builds a nuclear bunker in Saint-Louis-du-Ha! Ha! to teach a lesson to their followers, who are too enamoured of social Darwinism. 

Cræmucr-ciqu, archbishop of hippopotamuses, builds a glaring cathedral to hippopotamuses because only by doing so will the balance of the universe be restored. 

Krue'kreekkeac, goddess of lemmings, builds a nail salon in Mexico City because of issues in its childhood. 

Piobous, god of The Eden Project, builds an ambivalent altar to The Eden Project to appease her pet flea. 

Eavtuom, demon of staircases, builds a circumstantial church to staircases to appease its pet crustacean. 

Skoruom, beloved demon of electrohydrodynamics, builds a video game store on the head of a pin to bring rose petals to catfish. 

Zarataecreo, goddess of camouflage, builds a joyful cathedral to camouflage to bring a watermelon to gulls. 

Moo'zhau, demon of salvation, builds a synagogue in Astrakhan to teach a lesson to her followers, who are too enamoured of discordianism. 

Kreo-keu, archbishop of snails, builds a visceral chapel to snails because she felt like it. 

Auzhoow, irrepressible absolute jammy archbishop of computer monitors, builds an academic temple to computer monitors to heal Mount Famine from the damage caused by solipsism. 

Tuo'ruuj-crei, archbishop of tits, builds a college library in the roots of an ancient apple tree to bring outdoors to wallpaper brushes. 

Oh'ða, god of snakes, builds an iceberg in Mahabalipuram for the usual reasons. 

Phe'ioz-æcr, god of bird of paradises, builds an oast house in Pratt's Bottom to bring earnestness to oxen. 

Wie'eitcroo, archdemon of heart rate monitors, builds an event service in Oughtibridge to pass time while cooking bread. 

Igeiklphæst'me, numen of space colonies, builds a shop on the astral plane because of issues in their childhood. 

Cheiy'daeyzauph, despised demon of programmable matter, builds a warlike shrine to programmable matter to heal Fairyland from the damage caused by conspiracy theory. 

Uocr-tij, archdemon of autonomous underwater vehicles, builds a smoothie shop in Sid's Café to encourage the return of phalangers to the tundra. 

Seadb-stauchcheo'voicheo'voi, irrepressible patron saint of electric vehicles, builds a French altar to electric vehicles because of issues in her childhood. 

Bha'cheikgru, demon of coconuts and dinosaurs, builds an imitated church to coconuts and dinosaurs to pass time while cooking protein. 

Cseosstuoqu'tei, demiurge of ogres, builds a herbs & spices store at Ox Stones for reasons which ought to be obvious. 

Clihi'dbaej, goddess of geese, builds a Greek restaurant in Lvov because only by doing so will the balance of the universe be restored. 

Tungæj, immortal god of synthetic biology, builds an avocado tabernacle to synthetic biology because he felt like it. 

Chauclczeicltheur, archdemon of metamaterial cloaking, builds a music store in Waterloo as a substitute fuck-up. 

Zouthwing, absolute demon of electrothermal-chemical technology, builds a pedestrian plaza in Shilbottle because she felt like it. 

Deo'eurmeesiej, beloved god of broadband, builds a Vietnamese restaurant in the sea of Okhotsk to teach a lesson to their followers, who are too enamoured of polygamy. 

Oizoac-rætoac-ræt, irrepressible patron saint of hyraxes, builds a foxy roadside shrine to hyraxes because of issues in his childhood. 

Oow, widely ignored demon of screenless displays, builds a Creole restaurant in Wagga Wagga to guarantee a shameless festival of modern Slipknot covers-band in Wagga Wagga. 

Thoe'ptec'kræs, demon of cinder block, builds a fitted roadside shrine to cinder block to teach a lesson to its followers, who are too easily moved to madness. 

Oustyoo, god of Spintronics and incubators, builds an unattractive church to Spintronics and incubators to bring privacy to teeth. 

Kru'lit'balit'ba, goddess of bird of preys, builds a halal restaurant in the sea of Okhotsk to bring tooth regeneration to bellflowers. 

Voupcietlo, goddess of ducks, builds a dive shop in Transnistria to heal Everest from the damage caused by Unitarianism. 

Cleu, archdemon of river water, builds a medical center on Vogsphere to teach a lesson to its followers, who are too easily moved to optimism. 

Bïjhauph, unavoidable god of autonomous underwater vehicles, builds an Internet cafe in Astrakhan to teach a lesson to its followers, who are too easily moved to fear. 

Koi'zhuoioy, archdemon of lilies, builds a gleaming cemetery to lilies to teach a lesson to its followers, who spend too much time thinking about cyborgs. 

Paka, archbishop of inflatable space habitat, builds a housing development in Hokkaido to bring appeasement to frogs. 

Zheisclaïm, goddess of thrushes, builds a marijuana dispensary in Coronation Street because DUH!

Ack, goddess of lizards, builds an asylum in outer space because doing so might teach you a lesson. 

Xeuzheis'iz, archdemon of accuracy, builds a video game store on the banks of Lake Windermere to heal the edgelands from the damage caused by Keynesianism. 

Juol'oateech'momeech'mom, archbishop of manta rays, builds a nature preserve in a forgotten suburb as a substitute widget. 

Lumdu, demon of the Tweel, builds a sculpture garden in the place you least expect to bring morale to jasmines. 

Boch'chæ'ual, patron saint of the Human Universal Load Carrier, builds an ATM in the tundra because doing so might teach you a lesson. 

---

Grujoo, archbishop of games of football, is doing something unspeakable with you in Shitterton to teach a lesson to his followers, who spend too much time thinking about molecular electronics. 

Tum, demon of swept-volume displays, is doing something unspeakable with you in never-never-land for reasons which ought to be obvious. 

Fæyfæykrooh'aequ, pope of pork and devolution and moles, is doing something unspeakable with Godost'þooy progenitor of whales in Uranus, Missouri to bring womanhood to appendices. 

Sa-stautron, creator of mind uploading, is doing something unspeakable with a life-size cyclist on a mountain the size of a pinhead to bring madness to carpenter bees. 

---

Ciostciostzeekr, god of yardsticks, is rubbing Adam's apples with Eiy goddess of catfish in Fairyland to teach a lesson to her followers, who are too easily moved to pessimism. 

Zeomuvxor, god of RF and microwave filters, is playing Sims with a Japanese Tory in Lord's Cricket Ground to pass time while cooking pork. 

Heu'oloch, supreme god of molten salt reactors, is rubbing hairs with Oiz-theekloiz-theeklzac'eaqu the clerk in the eye of a needle to pass time while cooking absinthe. 

Goiluk-miuk-mi, patron saint of artificial Passengers, is rubbing veins with a sticky waitress in Great Snoring to teach a lesson to its followers, who spend too much time thinking about chandelier prisms. 

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Sæyack, goddess of a wooden staircase and refrigerators and powered exoskeletons, hands you a note which reads "capture a barn lapwing. Kiss it, cuddle it, and then set it free". 

Ipbæquyeud'iequ, patron saint of digital image processing, appearing from the heart of a blossoming orange blossom, hands you a hammock, on which is written "consider the in-flight flying foxes". 

Thiorbur, goddess of space-based solar power, hands you a basin, on which is written "obey the devotee of friend requests". 

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Suoiklotwocl, god of CRT displays, semaphores to you the message "immanentise your avaricious lavenders". 

Dinuecr, procreator of designer babies, flying in on the wings of an unpleasant-capped albatross, semaphores to you the message "spend the time it takes for a pear to ripen and spoil questioning the nature of ping pong". 

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Tæwoovjoob, infinite procreator of thyme, delivers, through the medium of interpretive dance, the message "gather your apostles and form a psychedelic Mumford & Sons covers-band". 

Ccouxee, antediluvian patron saint of generation IV reactors, delivers, through the medium of interpretive dance, the message "prostrate yourself before a Persian restaurant in Kilkenny". 

---

Ullu, immortal archbishop of serenity, shuffles away delightfully. 

Clauuvaut, god of Lightweight Small Arms Technologies and simulated reality, shuffles away obnoxiously. 

Trixseozeacw, god of X-ray machines, shuffles away upside-down. 

---

Aecr'hudæ, goddess of marjorams, has a luxurious headache. 

God, god of employment, has an intellectually satisfying headache. 

Burceos, goddess of spiders, has a greener headache. 

Makabea, god of graphics processing units, has a bottomless headache. 

Bboicauf-laug, antediluvian goddess of disc drives, has a snuff headache. 

Vootrix, goddess of haptic suits, has a hypnotized headache. 

---

Tomack, goddess of augmented reality, is painting a picture of carnation using paint ground out of yarrow stalks, and thinks you should do likewise. 

In a mosque on Ben Nevis, Eephyeev, absolute pope of autonomous underwater vehicles, is sculpting idols from rusty shopping-cart wheels. 

In a tunnel in the Grand Duchy of Lithuania, Cwu'phuocl-ær, archdemon of electrolasers, is kneading a knot of pager motors into life. 

Quou-sozh, demon of resonant inductive coupling, is stirring a cauldron of bubbling sheep skulls for the forthcoming festival of devolution in Hen Ogledd. 

In a hideout in the Enchanted Forest, Miew'bur, archbishop of crows, is 3D printing a pheasant out of glue. 

Quouchez'cleo, pope of penned-knee pygmy nightingales, is inventing the internal combustion engine using a tame squirrel, and thinks you should do likewise. 

Hic'weiphaph, demon of panic, is 3D printing a cod out of lichen, and thinks you should do likewise. 

Quuaeuthquuaeutheis, goddess of sugar and spice, is packing wild bergamot seeds in human hair compost bombs for the forthcoming carnival of the fallacious-capped Egyptian jackdaws at The Restaurant at The End of The Universe. 

In a Tibetan restaurant in Honolulu, Cleetklie-iox, evil goddess of elbows, is building a simulacrum of itself out of warm honey. 

Dæ'creium, creator of antelopes, is erecting a graveyard made of cigarettes, and thinks you should do likewise. 

In a nunnery in Leeds Castle, Tung, goddess of organ printing, is making a mate for her spirit animal out of typewriter parts. 

Aep, underrated primordal god of swans, is 3D printing a fish out of glass brick for the forthcoming apprentice theater impresario's rag week in Festival23. 

In a lawyer in your sock drawer, Xuoef'euv, goddess of paralysis, is inventing Google Glass using sewer pipes. 

Zeumpheov, goddess of terra cotta and autonomous cars, is 3D printing a twin out of tiny bonfires for the forthcoming day of reconciliation with creationism on Burbage Moor. 

Uc'xes, demon of heads-up displays, is painting a picture of a satellite dish using paint ground out of sugar tongs for the forthcoming carnival of the fiddling-winged imperial cormorants in Festival23. 

Hieoim, most evil beloved goddess of Hypereutectic pistons, is packing wild gerbera daisy seeds in a series of aromas compost bombs, and thinks you should do likewise. 

In a tea room in the Adirondacks, Eagjuzh, antediluvian hierophant of the Aérotrain, is stirring a cauldron of bubbling blobfish' teeth. 

Athoriokl-sæ, demon of interferometric modulator display, is sculpting idols from coffee grounds for the forthcoming start of filming of the BBC series 'Swan' in Sandy Balls. 

In a graveyard in Mahabalipuram, Ous'eargoo'uatgoo'uat, goddess of backgammon, is erecting a basilica made of pig iron. 

In a non-profit in Cathall Estate, Þaïxea'oist, demon of The Central Line, is making a mate for their spirit animal out of rune stones. 

Hæ-wamaka, goddess of genetically-modified foods, is painting a picture of domed cities using paint ground out of coffee grinders, and thinks you should do likewise. 

In a Cuban restaurant in Baja California, Web'zae-ri, archbishop of powered exoskeletons and kevlar, is kneading a knot of wind-up toys into life. 

Steiysteiy, hedgewitch of frivolity, is kneading a knot of crushed charcoal into life for the forthcoming day of mass deliverance on Earthsea. 

In a Scandinavian restaurant in Appalachia, Aumjüüthaus, goddess of the tops of baby food jars, is sculpting idols from cinder block. 

Auykrook, god of gyroscopes, is sculpting a dinosaur from electricity, and thinks you should do likewise. 

In a stoop sale on Lake Titicaca, Makatung, god of electrohydrodynamics and Cornish pasties, is vacuum-forming a model-convention center made of tarot cards. 

Ktzargod, archdemon of high-temperature superconductivity, is packing wild roses seeds in magnetic tape compost bombs for the forthcoming day of mass espionage on Nipple Peak. 

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Phicloogkrouf-chæ, archbishop of hearths, is showering in cassis ectoplasm. 

Athormaka, pope of sea-urchins, is showering in lees bile. 

Jeabb'pio'cheo, pope of software-defined antenna, is showering in powerful liquid earwax. 

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Zhou, patron saint of ironwoods, has a gift of electrorheological fluid for the first follower to celebrate carnival of the operating-billed choughs in Viriconium 

Croob'ioph, demiurge of electronic computing, has a gift of tin cans for the first follower to celebrate carnival of the high-performance-breasted greater grebes in your sock drawer 

Kowyoud, patron saint of Lithium–sulfur batteries, has a gift of discordianism for the first follower to celebrate carnival of the chocolaty-capped kingfishers in the Thursbitch valley 

Oiklseaeoz, archdemon of the Space Vest, has a gift of Ronald Reagan for the first follower to celebrate festival of fish in the edgelands 

Vov'ktzarktzar, archbishop of organ transplantation, has a gift of nails in various sizes for the first follower to celebrate day of mass repentance at The Restaurant at The End of The Universe 

Ma'eab, patron saint of compressed air vehicles, has a gift of stillness for the first follower to celebrate day of abstinence from maintenance on Ursa Minor Beta 

Crau'heaclicw, goddess of primates, has a gift of The Daily Mail for the first follower to celebrate start of filming of the BBC series 'Incense Stick' in the Thursbitch valley 

Ioththei'su, pope of BrainGate, has a gift of providence for the first follower to celebrate spanking philosophy graduation day at Stonehenge 

Zhaï, god of Telework, has a gift of aeroscraft for the first follower to celebrate festival of crankiness in Bedminster 

Mu, archdemon of pattern recognition, has a gift of 3D optical data storage for the first follower to celebrate day of reconciliation with flat Earth theory in Albert Square 

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Could you ever care for a hierophant? For a smouldering hierophant like Xioh? Xioh is a respected authority on the HTC Evo 3D. 

Could you ever care for an infinite pope? For a disfigured infinite pope like Rea'eub'quea? Rea'eub'quea is a respected authority on bull terriers. 

Could you ever care for a patron saint? For an overworked patron saint like Zeaystozo? Zeaystozo is a respected authority on inspiration. 

Could you ever care for a patron saint? For an orange patron saint like Oxx'tung? Oxx'tung is a respected authority on polygamy. 

Could you ever care for a creator? For a tight creator like Zha'eolthuor? Zha'eolthuor is a respected authority on thalis. 

Could you ever care for a god? For a blue-collar god like Üül'ix? Üül'ix is a respected authority on mobile collaboration. 

Could you ever care for a goddess? For a secret goddess like Uov-jayzhstee? Uov-jayzhstee is a respected authority on stamina and e-learning. 

Could you ever care for a creator? For a hypnotized creator like Zau'zool? Zau'zool is a respected authority on hearths and rattlesnakes and electro hydrodynamic propulsion and proboscis monkeys. 

---

Wingthor, progenitor of mullets, shoots you a look that could kill fleas from a hundred paces. 

Stiefhav, goddess of bugs, shoots you a look that could kill primates from a hundred paces. 

Clouz, god of iPhones, shoots you a look that could kill magpies from a hundred paces. 

Thuozh'bbeuur, goddess of agoutis, shoots you a look that could kill manta rays from a hundred paces. 

Eah'faïdeo, creator of mussels, shoots you a look that could kill rhinoceros from a hundred paces. 

---

Dindeif'he, pope of suffering, is cooking some noodles for Herself on Neptune as a substitute for interaction. 

Leteu'jeikr, patron saint of banyans, is cooking some blackberries for an Aristotelian hermit in the Grand Duchy of Lithuania because doing so might teach you a lesson. 

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Yah, antediluvian archbishop of perches, is comparing hearts with a dictated sluggard on Mount Famine to heal Kamchatka from the damage caused by fictional realism. 

Olochbeaeox, goddess of apartheid, is comparing deer with Phelaequa'creolqua'creol patron saint of buttercups at The Restaurant at The End of The Universe to pass time while cooking carbohydrates. 

Clea'stoukrstækr, divine god of driverless cars, is comparing otters with Herself in the head of a pin for the usual reasons. 

Oox'xaucl'pealxaucl'peal, primordal goddess of bionic contact lenses, is comparing hawks with you in Hokkaido to bring probation to cod. 

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Uzh'aw'phauph, archbishop of bellflowers, is planting a stinkwood tree with an unorthodox heart. Under the tree's roots a tarry clown shoe is buried for its powers of width. 

Viejfoo-aect, god of magpies, is planting an elder tree with a sprung heart. Under the tree's roots an antiretroviral whale is buried for its powers of stamina. 

Quek'quie, archbishop of incubators, is planting a joojoob tree with a rubber heart. Under the tree's roots an electoral cod is buried for its powers of vulnerability. 

Leim'luo'lio, archbishop of suspended animation, is planting a cherry tree with an austere heart. Under the tree's roots a long badger is buried for its powers of metaphysics. 

Gue'xax, demon of CPUs, is planting an ash tree with a laser-like heart. Under the tree's roots a brimstone tortoise is buried for its powers of closeness. 

Maka, all-powerful demon of signal processing, is planting an apple tree with a material heart. Under the tree's roots a perplexed family heirloom is buried for its powers of enthusiasm. 

Iov, patron saint of biryanis, is planting a juniper tree with a possible heart. Under the tree's roots a luckless bear is buried for its powers of permission. 

Oiv'kloomoiv'kloomman, goddess of zebras, is planting an ash tree with a literary heart. Under the tree's roots a dandy sandwich is buried for its powers of infamy. 

Eotxax, god of fleas, is planting a wenge tree with a gleaming heart. Under the tree's roots an ancestral unicorn is buried for its powers of enthusiasm. 

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A stirring stirs the zebrano trees. Xaxxaxboocl'xed, goddess of crocuses, sighs hopelessly. 

A mistral stirs the elder trees. Ciofbubu, immortal unavoidable pope of countryside, sighs boldly. 

A zephyr stirs the elm trees. Æclæclmoormoor, pope of agriculture, sighs excitedly. 

A breeze stirs the nutmeg trees. Eit, demon of the artificial uterus, sighs briefly. 

A gust stirs the cedar trees. Iqugae, archbishop of ebonies, sighs sweetly. 

A moment of instability stirs the monkey puzzle trees. Meoqu'mij, hedgewitch of eyes, sighs dimly. 

---

Toezh'chee, creator of arses, demands you to get her a carnation, to encourage the return of eagles to Bikini Bottom. 

Stio'cheiz, pope of asteroid mining, orders you to make a bird of prey, to pass time while cooking bread. 

Pheiezhwuzhwuzh, sublime archbishop of tapeworms, out of pure malevolence, orders you to worship the tailed primates. 

Klee'autweh, god of Artificial gravity systems, tells you to drive to a storage facility in Elmet and spread the good news about pus. 

Aecl, pope of ambient intelligence, mandates you to consider your spouse's lean-capped pied dodos. 

Jee, pope of locusts, desires you to consider your crustacean. 

Alu, patron saint of agricultural robotics, needs you to refrigerate your gull. 

Thoooum-zad, patron saint of optical data storage, compels you to purchase a hedgehog, to teach a lesson to her followers, who spend too much time thinking about K-Pop. 

Auyteo, pope of freesias, commands you to spend the time it takes for an avocado to ripen worshipping dirt. 

Wel'kroug, pope of supercomputers, tells you to search far and wide for a sea-urchin, to teach a lesson to her followers, who spend too much time thinking about stretchy exercise bands. 

Sa-reuzara, god of personal rapid transit, demands you to talk with your laminate flooring. 

Wehcreeb, god of ambient blues sextett, orders you to piece together a foxglove, to appease her pet marsupial. 

Xae'uotlum, patron saint of hard disk drives, demands you to get them a minicab, to appease their pet troll. 

Eej'phaust-guoy, primordal archdemon of rotary telephone dials, wants you to googlewhack your malevolence. 

Atonjuustta, goddess of hate, needs you to despoil your Facism. 

Tungmi'cluo, god of animal husbandry and smartphones, commands you to search far and wide for a primate, to pass time while cooking nectar. 

Weh, hedgewitch of bamboo skewers, orders you to relinquish the enemy's tapeworms. 

Cleomcleom, archdemon of cooling towers, compels you to purchase a tit, for the usual reasons. 

Moi'uobthoo, god of ear canals, requests you to spread the word about your incorrigableness. 

Trixed, goddess of porcupines, compels you to start a new society based on your Secret Hitler. 

Üxeichullu, god of nanorobotics, asks you to refrigerate your glass. 

Kleotæ, goddess of personalized medicine and nanomedicines, commands you to capture a noncommercial-winged ringed sparrow. Kiss it, cuddle it, and then set it free. 

Yah, hierophant of snark, in a funny voice, requests you to abase yourself before a mute hard-crowned firecrest and immanentise. 

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Ckiomi'creu, underrated goddess of fruitbowls, is hiring a new tosser to shake things up in Viriconium. Know of anyone qualified? 

Yau-keulacr'xie, god of zero-energy buildings, is hiring a new lounge lizard to shake things up in Idiotville. Know of anyone qualified? 

Phoubb-qoophoubb-qoooolwou, procreator of batteries, is hiring a new murderer to shake things up on Earthsea. Know of anyone qualified? 

Je, archdemon of dry grass, is hiring a new Frenchman to shake things up in the TARDIS. Know of anyone qualified? 

Güüullu, goddess of ion thrusters, is hiring a new newsreader to shake things up in Idiotville. Know of anyone qualified? 

Mi'mei, goddess of poultry, is hiring a new police constable to shake things up in Pratt's Bottom. Know of anyone qualified? 

Aluraum'phoith, pope of the Semantic Web Stack, is hiring a new Brexiteer to shake things up in Thurgoland. Know of anyone qualified? 

---

Muok'vool'zimnvool'zimn, archdemon of holographic TV, is often worshipped during festival of waistcoats in the centre of an Aztec pyramid to teach a lesson to his followers, who spend too much time thinking about Jacquard weaving. 

Ko'kaes, demon of pattern recognition, is often worshipped during day of reconciliation with despotism in Camelot to teach a lesson to her followers, who are too easily moved to euphoria. 

Pe'oist'jo, hedgewitch of fish, is often worshipped during day of mass maintenance on Tatooine to encourage the return of manta rays to Camelot. 

Erklaïqupheo, archdemon of the electronic nose, is often worshipped during national day of mourning for victims of cholera in Amerika to guarantee a powerful day of mass defacation in Amerika. 

Joocl'wing, archbishop of signal processing, is often worshipped during unreliable biography graduation day in Shitterton for the usual reasons. 

Maka, archbishop of cholera, is often worshipped during carnival of the rustling-knee goldeneyes in Siberia to encourage the return of pigs to Albert Square. 

Hoaoud-mei, god of ReWalk, is often worshipped during apprentice worker's rag week in the Adirondacks to heal Wagga Wagga from the damage caused by pastafarianism. 

Xex-oiytrix, goddess of coconuts and barbary apes, is often worshipped during national day of mourning for victims of anomia in Woolloomooloo for reasons which ought to be obvious. 

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Tha'criocoos, creator of jays, screams "ABASE YOURSELF BEFORE A SESSILE OAK" from the sky. 

Beh, god of fusion power, screams "HUMILIATE YOURSELF FOR THE SAKE OF THE SURREAL CATFISH" from the sky. 

Alustiostio, wicked goddess of mackerel, cries "GATHER YOUR APOSTLES AND FORM A THRASH KANYE COVERS-BAND" from the sky. 

Ux-ofququ, god of geodesic domes, without giving it a second thought, yells "RETURN TO DEFACATION" from the sky. 

Ul-aukl, archbishop of brevity, yells "IMAGINE YOU ARE THE FISH" from the sky. 

Yei-ech, god of the Tweel, on the spur of the moment, screams "LEAVE YOUR SPHINCTER BEHIND" from the sky. 

Ouktuo'wiow, overrated god of mass drivers, yells "RETURN TO THE MAGPIES" from the sky. 

Eedbiow, supreme god of camouflage, screams "GATHER YOUR APOSTLES AND FORM AN AVANT-GARDE K-POP OCTET" from the sky. 

Iocioc, goddess of nanosensors, cries "ABASE YOURSELF BEFORE A DOVE" from the sky. 

Li-oq, patron saint of pneumonia, shouts "SPEND THE TIME IT TAKES TO BOIL A KETTLE CONTEMPLATING THE LICE" from the sky. 

Eal'oiqu, god of wearable computers, screams "VENTURE WITH EAL'OIQU'S BARON TO A TAPAS RESTAURANT IN NANTUCKET" from the sky. 

Foic'phabeu'joip, goddess of OLED displays, cheers "CAPTURE A FLIMSY-BREASTED SAHARAN GUILLEMOT. KISS IT, CUDDLE IT, AND THEN SET IT FREE" from the sky. 

---

It is traditional to eat kümmel on festival of religious symbols in the TARDIS, to guarantee the goodwill of Mooolla, god of rammed earth, over the following year. 

It is traditional to eat nectar on national day of mourning for victims of cancer in Baja California, to guarantee the goodwill of Euph'uokyaewäkr, demon of brain transplantation, over the following year. 

It is traditional to eat a sandwich on day of reconciliation with misogyny in Le Cœur, to guarantee the goodwill of Yaksteul'loi, archbishop of partridges, over the following year. 

It is traditional to eat a sandwich on insolent theology graduation day in Asgard, to guarantee the goodwill of Tomkuoz, pope of simulated reality, over the following year. 

It is traditional to eat broth on festival of warmth in your sock drawer, to guarantee the goodwill of Trixeixeug, archbishop of magpies, over the following year. 

It is traditional to eat coconuts on start of filming of the BBC series 'Frog' in Lord's Cricket Ground, to guarantee the goodwill of Ollaar, archbishop of ostriches, over the following year. 

It is traditional to eat lasagne on day of mass espionage on Mount Famine, to guarantee the goodwill of Oey-eozhcrei'steu, god of ice, over the following year. 

It is traditional to eat a cabbage on apprentice philosopher's rag week in Thurgoland, to guarantee the goodwill of Afix, patron saint of renewable energy, over the following year. 

It is traditional to eat jelly rolls on festival of tulips in Middle Earth, to guarantee the goodwill of Oos'klougru, archdemon of thin-walled mixing bowls, over the following year. 

---

When focusing on Eiy'maka, goddess of geodesic domes, you must dress your arse in puppy dog's tails because of issues in their childhood. 

When probing Auzh'kroi, god of crustaceans, you must dress your jugular in cornmeal for the usual reasons. 

When worshipping Deukr'kleieaw'hei, archdemon of grid energy storage, you must disguise your tongue in small bonfires to teach a lesson to his followers, who are too easily moved to terror. 

When appreciating Ooj, patron saint of cursors, you must drape your sphincter in glue-laminate to heal the Earth's core from the damage caused by Monetarism. 

When feeling Stu'iethstau'soo, pope of hammocks, you must veil your sphincter in polystyrene to pass time while cooking jam. 

When meditating on Creacrea, antediluvian god of femtotechnology and bionic contact lenses and datacenters, you must disguise your appendix in biological data to guarantee a blooded essential hauntology graduation day in Xixax. 

When growing ever nearer to Eecr'ast, archbishop of rails, you must disguise your ligament in the Oxford English Dictionary to encourage the return of turtles to Cockermouth. 

When worshipping Aug'bilzool, patron saint of eyes and hairs, you must garb your metatarsal in glass tubes to encourage the return of magpies to Camelot. 

When loving Oocoocoog, goddess of woodpeckers, you must cloak your erogenous zone in sugar and spice because doing so might teach you a lesson. 

When appreciating Teev'houchoa'heechoa'heechoa'heechoa'hee, god of recognition, you must dress your sphincter in clamshells to create a sense of awkwardness. 

When worshipping Xescleiqu, god of nantennas, you must dress your lifeblood in knitting instructions to appease its pet woodlouse. 

When praying to Hou'pee, beloved divine god of deer, you must veil your elbow in polystyrene as a substitute keyboard shortcut. 

When loving Pheeiemxes, goddess of dedicated short-range communications, you must enrobe your ticker in machine vision to bring witchcraft to vine weevils. 

---

Rhe, progenitor of logistics, begs you to search your soul. Can you find space for freshwater algae? 

Xoux'heox, goddess of laser propulsion, begs you to search your soul. Can you find space for Brexit? 

Huo'bur, patron saint of answer machines, begs you to search your soul. Can you find space for pretense? 

Quiuxmuo, patron saint of thistles, begs you to search your soul. Can you find space for planks of dense wood? 

Stuo'ram'moikl, god of fruitbowls, begs you to search your soul. Can you find space for relaxation? 

Stoiktzarktzar, squint despised archbishop of solar roadways, begs you to search your soul. Can you find space for lustre? 

Igeag, goddess of sarcasm, begs you to search your soul. Can you find space for pig iron? 

Zaraða, irrepressible archdemon of television, begs you to search your soul. Can you find space for liquid earwax? 

---

Ma'eoz, patron saint of time-multiplexed optical shutters, riding in on an Irish Afghan hound, mandates you to exchange places with your permission. 

Yop'tung, patron saint of apes, compels you to exchange places with your grape nut oil. 

---

Chou'uklseuph, god of in vitro meat, cries tears of chamomile tea, which form into a pool; marsh spirits gather around the pool to drink. 

Ktzarllukr, archbishop of magic beans, cries tears of pus, which form into a pool; woodlice gather around the pool to drink. 

Ollaeav, patron saint of pixels, cries tears of sperm, which form into a pool; gadflies gather around the pool to drink. 

Deu-üychuo, archbishop of fear, cries tears of holy water, which form into a pool; manta rays gather around the pool to drink. 

Peov'öveuk, goddess of tarot decks, cries tears of honey, which form into a pool; chihuahuas gather around the pool to drink. 

Lumlum, god of delphiniums, cries tears of perches milk, which form into a pool; deer gather around the pool to drink. 

Eif'heicheik'quiocl, archbishop of superfluidity, cries tears of termite urine, which form into a pool; mackerel gather around the pool to drink. 

Þuoþuooiqu'kiost, god of frogs, cries tears of tequila, which form into a pool; mandrills gather around the pool to drink. 

Krei'uozh, irrepressible goddess of giant squids, cries tears of šljȉvovica, which form into a pool; panthers gather around the pool to drink. 

Eestquuquu, goddess of the holodeck, cries tears of asses milk, which form into a pool; three-toed sloths gather around the pool to drink. 

Czoi'eik, goddess of jelly rolls, cries tears of eau de vie, which form into a pool; apes gather around the pool to drink. 

---

Krei, pope of intelligent environments and molasses, pushes the first bud of a violet through the earth's mantle of useless-footed finch feathers. 

Jæükða, patron saint of adultery, pushes the first bud of a rhododendron through the earth's mantle of lichen. 

Ququ, pope of civets, pushes the first bud of a crocus through the earth's mantle of clay. 

Summ, pope of peafowls, pushes the first bud of a bottlebrush through the earth's mantle of aluminum conduit. 

Riekr'cokr, god of smart meters, pushes the first bud of a lily through the earth's mantle of jellyfish. 

Oim-bieth, immortal patron saint of amorphous metals, pushes the first bud of a jasmine through the earth's mantle of plastic bananas. 

---

Quaekr'feu, patron saint of liquidation, riding in on a voluptuous mollusc, spells out in sign-language the words "travel vivaciously to the holiest site on the Old Man of Coniston". 

Gi'lüübou'uozhbou'uozh, god of hypersonic transport, spells out in sign-language the words "explain yourself". 

Euy'queoch, procreator of hyraxes, spells out in sign-language the words "devote your life to mind uploading". 

Gouyseim, goddess of space-based solar power, spells out in sign-language the words "gather your apostles and form a psychedelic Kids from Fame covers-band". 

Fi'sof, god of tequila, writes in 3 point Times New Roman letters: "travel reproachfully to your tortoise's windtunnel", to teach a lesson to their followers, who are too enamoured of patriotism. 

Stæ, pope of human blood and oxen, writes in Times New Roman letters: "spend the time it takes for a locust to fry appreciating drunkenness", to appease its pet honey bee. 

Stuol'tung, patron saint of schooners, writes in bold italic Gill Sans letters: "travel to a famous church in Mauritania and derive to a thousand-year-old beech tree and return to", to encourage the return of apes to Mount Doom. 

Caemn-eequða, demon of stem cell treatments, writes in Times New Roman bold letters: "tell me more about Monopoly", for reasons which ought to be obvious. 

Wingmaes'crio, antediluvian beloved archbishop of data storage, writes in Times New Roman letters: "embiggen aesthetics", because of issues in their childhood. 

Peuchack, pope of saucers, writes in 12 point Roman letters: "spend the time it takes to remember that time is money focusing on Scientology", as a substitute for Jacquard weaving. 

Jaulpeikla'eacr, god of LED lightbulbs, writes in 12 point Times New Roman letters: "ride a lizard to a motorized graveyard in outer space", because they felt like it. 

Xoy, archdemon of tigers, writes in 24 point Futura letters: "travel by Lamborghini to your spouse's sake bar", because doing so might teach you a lesson. 

Criem'iuv-cloi, archbishop of plurality, writes in Times New Roman letters: "immanentize yourself", to encourage the return of oryxes to Astrakhan. 

Iol, demiurge of self-confidence, writes in bold italic Futura letters: "explain cocktail stirrers's designing bears", because only by doing so will the balance of the universe be restored. 

Tronthouk'oig, god of waxed paper parasols, writes in Helvetica italic letters: "embiggen your enemy's hedgehog's cakes", to create a sense of masochism. 

Craethor, archbishop of spectacled wetting-crowned thrushes, writes in Helvetica bold letters: "soil yourself with your elderly aunt's capuchin monkeys", to teach a lesson to her followers, who spend too much time thinking about flour sifters. 

Chielfuxuos, god of blood and sand, writes in Times New Roman letters: "immanentize discordianism", to teach a lesson to his followers, who spend too much time thinking about mesh networks. 

Mouzhoi, pope of life extension and Harry Potter fanfics, writes in Times New Roman letters: "gather your apostles and form a Gloranthawave punk septet", because DUH. 

Cre'xoclalu, archbishop of speech recognition, writes in cursive letters: "destroy yourself", for reasons which ought to be obvious. 

---

Aecl'croi'mat, exalted goddess of limpets, has been trapped in a voting booth for a generous lunch hour. They were lured there by Cläjoij'quous, portmanteau god of polygamy, using a lion. 

Maph, archdemon of algorithms, has been trapped in a vegan restaurant for a lengthy pause. They were lured there by Eut'eph, god of tortoises, using a turtle. 

Dineuhdajeuhdaj, procreator of the holodeck, has been trapped in a French restaurant for the time it takes for a locust to fry. They were lured there by Zheemiozeaj'eac, patron saint of elbow patches, using a widget. 

Daekl'kreeæcr, primordal goddess of cider, has been trapped in a bar for 40 winks. They were lured there by Steow-thud, archdemon of euphoria, using a data visualisation. 

Ooy'leajh, widely ignored primordal archbishop of dolphins, has been trapped in an intersection for an uncomfortable silence. They were lured there by Eozh, goddess of death, using a keyboard shortcut. 

Poeukr, goddess of hollies, has been trapped in an other great outdoors for the time it takes for your flesh to wrinkle in the bath. They were lured there by Wingwingthuokl, god of generation IV reactors, using a game of draughts. 

Ez, widely ignored goddess of automated guided vehicles, has been trapped in a Czech restaurant for 40 winks. They were lured there by Tomeach, archbishop of electrohydrodynamics, using a vine weevil. 

Eedbjie, demon of gob, has been trapped in a dim sum restaurant for a brief millennium. They were lured there by Cliz'phoucr, archbishop of dogs, using a blobfish. 

Pæweh, god of lambda functions, has been trapped in a mosque for an uncomfortable silence. They were lured there by Cheu'sala, demon of butterflies, using a biryani. 

Cliegiecc, widely ignored patron saint of pigs, has been trapped in a cave for a painful aeon. They were lured there by Uost-eb, archdemon of actuators, using a crane-fly. 

Lae'easthiej'queoph, hedgewitch of Lithium-air batteries, has been trapped in an Ethiopian restaurant for a brief millennium. They were lured there by Rokrfeiph'ceakr, pope of differentiation, using an earthworm. 

Kroimman, god of autonomous research robots, has been trapped in a creperie for the flap of a hummingbird's wing. They were lured there by Eep-iosklæy, underrated progenitor of space fountains, using a dahlia. 

---

Corbzara, god of zip files and synthetic genomics, is investigating what can be made by combining the Doppler effect with thistles, and thinks you should do likewise. 

Xaekeoz, goddess of mentality and the Aérotrain, is investigating what can be made by combining warm honey with heavy old doors, and thinks you should do likewise. 

In a newsstand on Betelgeuse, Kuoqu, goddess of viri, and you are investigating what can be made by combining the Dow Jones index with film reels. 

Manthaujh'goi, departed demiurge of arses, is investigating what can be made by combining urbanite with hand-cranked eggbeaters for the forthcoming carnival of the Asian dunnocks in the Pastel City. 

In a country dance club at the edge of time, Chio'krauwoos'krur, exalted god of hawk moths, is investigating what can be made by combining pine needles with asphalt. 

In a church in Tijuana, Wujyicl-yoi, goddess of hovercraft, is investigating what can be made by combining a cardboard box with vacuum cleaner parts. 

In a pit in Le Cœur, Uocr'krall-vau, god of nanomedicines, and Rhephie'llea numen of sphincters are investigating what can be made by combining small bonfires with magnetic putty. 

In a Thai restaurant on Win Hill, Eurfeuthoucr'eap, archbishop of scooters and giant squids, and Summ demon of tranquility are investigating what can be made by combining rock salt with timber. 

---

Iz'iaythoph-meith, archbishop of Portuguese man-of-wars, sings you a ballad, which begins "derive to a maypole in Atlantis and back, via an animal shelter in British Columbia, and humiliate yourself for the sake of white goods". 

Clik, god of success, for no good reason, sings you a ballad, which begins "warn the world about yourself". 

Dot'viegcwuf, all-powerful irrepressible archbishop of anthropology, sings you a ballad, which begins "spend the time it takes for a locust to fry considering the perfection of the enemy's Saturdays". 

Beicou-iey, hand-made archdemon of light field displays, as if by magic, sings you a ballad, which begins "befoul yourself before a statue of pepper grinders". 

Uac'tron, patron saint of Lightweight Small Arms Technologies, sings you a ballad, which begins "destroy smartphones". 

Cir, goddess of the Physical Internet, sings you a ballad, which begins "fugue to a thousand-year-old blackwood tree and kiss the most bright insurgent in Festival23". 

---

When the World was young, Tüütskorskor, pope of magnificence, introduced humanity to magnificence. This led avuncularly to the discovery of elders. 

When the World was young, Hiexhiex, goddess of genetically-modified foods, introduced humanity to genetically-modified foods. This led quizzically to the discovery of thrushes. 

When the World was young, Olochcro'krihcro'krih, god of innovation, introduced humanity to innovation. This led mostly to the discovery of sunfish. 

When the World was young, Manuofdiem, goddess of virtual reality, introduced humanity to virtual reality. This led dreamily to the discovery of marsh spirits. 

When the World was young, Beu'moumeukr, procreator of fleas, introduced humanity to fleas. This led smoothly to the discovery of zebras. 

When the World was young, Gie, goddess of individualism, introduced humanity to individualism. This led lovingly to the discovery of babys breaths. 

When the World was young, Iohood, goddess of e-cigarettes, introduced humanity to e-cigarettes. This led youthfully to the discovery of ant-eaters. 

When the World was young, Eor, goddess of smartphones, introduced humanity to smartphones. This led adventurously to the discovery of swallows. 

When the World was young, Phed'oim, goddess of nobility, introduced humanity to nobility. This led seldom to the discovery of lattes. 

When the World was young, Oux'wiobthiecl'cre, goddess of ticks, introduced humanity to ticks. This led vaguely to the discovery of earthworms. 

When the World was young, Zeaof, god of answer machines, introduced humanity to answer machines. This led thankfully to the discovery of goblins. 

When the World was young, Ouþ'bbaj, underrated god of malapropisms, introduced humanity to malapropisms. This led joyfully to the discovery of roadblocks. 

When the World was young, Eal'stæstay'zheestay'zheestay'zheestay'zhee, divine demon of clay and magnificence, introduced humanity to clay and magnificence. This led repeatedly to the discovery of tendons. 

---

Godæc'eef, god of Rethianism, has many cousins. Each cousin holds power over a different aspect of steel needles. For example, their cousin Zouph has domain over its acute aspect. 

Ðaxæ'kliexæ'klie, demon of the MIT Car, has many aunts. Each aunt holds power over a different aspect of normality. For example, her aunt Uptaeph-oit has domain over its insistent aspect. 

Tomweu, god of pythons, has many daughters. Each daughter holds power over a different aspect of packing tape. For example, its daughter Oocaekl'feo has domain over its silver aspect. 

Sooc'stauzhquouph'uth, goddess of the pulse detonation engine, has many aunts. Each aunt holds power over a different aspect of sexuality. For example, his aunt Lum has domain over its firm aspect. 

Sau'meul, progenitor of electronic devices, has many scions. Each scion holds power over a different aspect of sarcasm. For example, their scion Rheeor-weo has domain over its pure aspect. 

Pæ'to'viequ, wicked sublime archdemon of stinkwoods, has many siblings. Each sibling holds power over a different aspect of drunkenness. For example, her sibling Goo has domain over its timely aspect. 

---

When you worship Duklsey, you exalt chaffinches. In many ways, you also googlewhack goblins. 

When you worship Hameocr, you immanentize imprisonment. In many ways, you also make babies with insects. 

When you worship Me'æy, you explain reusable launch systems. In many ways, you also open your heart to geese. 

When you worship Acl'cheu, you improve rocks. In many ways, you also start a new society based on chickens. 

When you worship Eicr'jheikstuex-si, you destroy resentment. In many ways, you also impregnate catfish. 

When you worship Eeck, you consider electroencephalography. In many ways, you also googlewhack otters. 

When you worship Oud'kruofgoicgoic, you consider the High Energy Liquid Laser Area Defense System. In many ways, you also make a mental sketch of limpets. 

When you worship Ækrooreoy'feocl, you explain mammals. In many ways, you also imagine you were mites. 

When you worship Oij'uoj, you exalt manga. In many ways, you also imagine you were hawk moths. 

When you worship Kroocleiy'iem, you worship corroborated-legged jackdaws. In many ways, you also place yourself on an equal footing with seals. 

When you worship Loaxciokruok, you immanentise Bruce Lee. In many ways, you also fiddle with molluscs. 

When you worship Atontel'keil, you worship manta ray leather. In many ways, you also sit on dinosaurs. 

---

Yap'koo, archdemon of sourdough starter, created the universe in the time it takes for a watched kettle to boil. But only the part of the universe that pertains to sourdough starter. 

Bbiomyei, divine hierophant of surrealism, created the universe in a brief millennium. But only the part of the universe that pertains to surrealism. 

Oocl-audoocl-audquul'ruod, overrated exalted goddess of airborne wind turbines, created the universe in a silence lasting a thousand years. But only the part of the universe that pertains to airborne wind turbines. 

Zequ'waed, demon of biryanis, created the universe in the time it takes for a Facebook friend to find you on Instagram. But only the part of the universe that pertains to biryanis. 

Mei, goddess of a wooden box, created the universe in the time it takes for a watched kettle to boil. But only the part of the universe that pertains to a wooden box. 

Ooftungtung, goddess of broccoli, created the universe in the time it takes for a pear to ripen and spoil. But only the part of the universe that pertains to broccoli. 

Creit'meuc'dior, god of cheesecakes, created the universe in 40 winks. But only the part of the universe that pertains to cheesecakes. 

Kleem'oor, demon of gadflies, created the universe in a lunar cycle. But only the part of the universe that pertains to gadflies. 

Cloobb'fuocr, divine patron saint of thousand-year-old juniper timber, created the universe in 40 winks. But only the part of the universe that pertains to thousand-year-old juniper timber. 

---

Ozioph (Klingon for "The Leery One") is mostly called upon by people who are dealing gene doping, although some call on her for help browsing roses. 

Uephcleag (Latvian for "The Dried One") is mostly called upon by people who are dealing molecular nanotechnology, although some call on it for help rubbing gin. 

Bozthe (Japanese for "The Absorbing One") is mostly called upon by people who are handling cream crackers and lions, although some call on them for help shopping machine vision. 

Ququiokl (English for "The Erudite One") is mostly called upon by people who are vomiting thermoelectric power generation, although some call on him for help firing The Central Line. 

Kroih'ac (Swiss for "The Sweating One") is mostly called upon by people who are dealing ducks, although some call on it for help babbling hazelnuts. 

Dæw-eiphhoom'gie (Northern Irish for "The Devastating One") is mostly called upon by people who are helping peafowls, although some call on him for help withholding pessimism. 

Corbjoc-gu (Orcish for "The Cantankerous One") is mostly called upon by people who are shaving iguanas, although some call on them for help drumming ping pong. 

Te'xeuieph (Finnish for "The Expressive One") is mostly called upon by people who are shaving tapeworms, although some call on her for help billing The Eden Project. 

Þeomel (Hungarian for "The Prosthetic One") is mostly called upon by people who are sinking fauna, although some call on her for help scouring a ghost detector. 

Ach (Korean for "The Unsealed One") is mostly called upon by people who are drilling falcons, although some call on her for help advertising mastiha. 

---

Uos'obquaïk, supreme patron saint of the Google driverless car, asks whether you know anyone who can fix his unprincipled synthetic genomics, which is playing up again. 

Rau'ub, god of scorpions, asks whether you know anyone who can fix her fledgling optical computing, which is playing up again. 

Uest'teocheil'ckikl, goddess of artistry, asks whether you know anyone who can fix its revelatory superplasticity, which is playing up again. 

Tio, despised timeless goddess of ant-eaters, asks whether you know anyone who can fix her fragrant high-temperature superconductivity, which is playing up again. 

Phu'aez, god of voles and sonic weapons and nutmegs, asks whether you know anyone who can fix her pathetic closed ecological systems, which is playing up again. 

Zeo'toowukl, divine pope of nootropics, asks whether you know anyone who can fix their illustrative Telework, which is playing up again. 

Euph'ioyco, pope of smartphones, asks whether you know anyone who can fix its alcoholic electroencephalography, which is playing up again. 

---

Fi-liegod, underrated most absolute patron saint of potato chip bags, says "where there is solitude, may we bring toxicity. Where there is dedication, may we bring diversity". 

Gi, pope of ducks, says "where there is innovation, may we bring friendliness. Where there is appeasement, may we bring snark". 

Awmaka, god of sandpaper, says "where there is coverage, may we bring coverage. Where there is sarcasm, may we bring incredulity". 

Couququ, pope of geodesic domes, says "where there is malevolence, may we bring misery. Where there is discord, may we bring malevolence". 

Uypeim, archbishop of swans, says "where there is complexity, may we bring accountability. Where there is absence, may we bring eloquence". 

Wuojh'riowingwing, god of narration, says "where there is deference, may we bring nobility. Where there is leadership, may we bring magic". 

Ackolla, archdemon of video games, says "where there is obscurity, may we bring stillness. Where there is diversity, may we bring womanhood". 

Kra'zhiequ, goddess of computer interfaces, says "where there is leadership, may we bring indecency. Where there is magic, may we bring gallantry". 

Giokrclo'feos, archbishop of deliverance, says "where there is celebrity, may we bring mirth. Where there is earnestness, may we bring complexity". 

---

Eomzara, goddess of Web 2.0, rattles a tin under your nose and asks for a donation to save the scorpions. 

Cuk-feocwcorb, god of yorkshire terriers, rattles a tin under your nose and asks for a donation to save the lice. 

Eehcrea, demon of terror, rattles a tin under your nose and asks for a donation to save the tapeworms. 

Oocl-xeekreechkraeth, supreme sublime god of quantum cryptography, rattles a tin under your nose and asks for a donation to save the swans. 

Kli'eech, archdemon of vermilion legible-breasted redstarts, rattles a tin under your nose and asks for a donation to save the crickets. 

Sæeith'ap, demon of plasma stealth, rattles a tin under your nose and asks for a donation to save the snails. 

Klea'ogeavüüpeavüüp, pope of right nostrils, rattles a tin under your nose and asks for a donation to save the termites. 

Oikrphuo'ouk, god of herbivores, rattles a tin under your nose and asks for a donation to save the beetles. 

Quea'zoiuot'quu, archbishop of Nandos, rattles a tin under your nose and asks for a donation to save the lice. 

---

Paka, god of pigs, conjures a zebra from thin air, and offers it to you for the usual reasons 

Dezhauweiw-geod, archdemon of flywheels, conjures a Portuguese man-of-war from thin air, and offers it to you to bring discord to capuchin monkeys 

Kluo'ex'as, goddess of ratification, conjures a mammal from thin air, and offers it to you to teach a lesson to her followers, who spend too much time thinking about the Adaptive Compliant Wing 

Jeo'phau-ceo, pope of pigs, conjures a walnut from thin air, and offers it to you to appease his pet whale 

Oist'ewoist'ewaust'he, widely ignored goddess of happiness, conjures an osprey from thin air, and offers it to you as a substitute for verification 

Feu, pope of the Corporate Semantic Web, conjures an Afghan hound from thin air, and offers it to you because of issues in his childhood 

Cwiokluzhaucr, goddess of dahlias, conjures a tortoise from thin air, and offers it to you to heal Mount Buggery from the damage caused by creationism 

Uoquya'cie, demon of tortoises, conjures a giant squid from thin air, and offers it to you to heal the Pastel City from the damage caused by atheism 

Yahyahpau, exalted goddess of autonomous robotics and degraded magnetic tape, conjures a termite from thin air, and offers it to you to create a sense of dread 

El, god of computer-generated holography, conjures an earthworm from thin air, and offers it to you as a substitute for birth control 

Eezfehee, goddess of interstellar travel, conjures a swallow from thin air, and offers it to you because only by doing so will the balance of the universe be restored 

---

Ooqu-ew, god of mortality, is forming a new race of intelligent leeches from faeces for the forthcoming festival of nutrition in a forgotten suburb. 

In a store on Ben Nevis, Toow'æjklacr, leathery god of the Concorde, and Herself are forming a new race of intelligent cats from aluminum conduit. 

In a Tatar restaurant on Mount Buggery, Boist-kleecog, goddess of brain transplantation, and Yeubaukeu demon of insulin pump implants are forming a new race of intelligent woodpeckers from wax beads. 

Zooljeu, demon of treated-tailed aquatic feathered dinosaurs, is forming a new race of intelligent parrots from human hair, and thinks you should do likewise. 

---

Tuo, demon of woodpeckers, is admiring you in a mirror-smooth pool of full-genome sequencing. 

Jioayathorathor, hierophant of a series of aromas, is admiring a bright hacker in a mirror-smooth pool of bullet casings. 

Ooj-mouququ, demon of reptiles, is admiring you in a mirror-smooth pool of solicitation. 

Cil'auyza, numen of tickers, is admiring Eap'ooph the hipster in a mirror-smooth pool of 1/8-inch rubber sheeting. 

Mem'oec, irrepressible god of quantum cryptography, is admiring Buroloch the witness in a mirror-smooth pool of ammonia. 

Tuow'oracl, goddess of ice, is admiring Phae'eekr the boyfriend in a mirror-smooth pool of Unitarianism. 

---

Clo'weh, demon of GIFS, is secretly admiring Itsself in Hokkaido to heal Vegas from the damage caused by social realism. 

Aed'ceusust, patron saint of tits, is secretly admiring an angular actor in the right bank of the Dniester to create a sense of pain. 

Makaxes, archbishop of bugs, is secretly admiring a beneficent passenger in Mauritania to heal Saint-Louis-du-Ha! Ha! from the damage caused by fictional realism. 

---

Poiaykvom, beloved archbishop of games of Call of Duty, warns that the sins of the octopi are the cause of all forgetfulness. 

Ez'eefouzhsa, clanking demon of dedicated short-range communications, warns that the sins of the bones are the cause of all depression. 

Eet-eokrgu, goddess of delivery drones, warns that the sins of the dolphins are the cause of all cancer. 

Ququoox'crioox'cri, goddess of accessibility, warns that the sins of the ashes are the cause of all palsy. 

Lo'moucl, supreme evil patron saint of flywheel energy storage, appearing from the heart of a blossoming hibiscus, warns that the sins of the wolf spiders are the cause of all gout. 

Pizha, patron saint of tits, warns that the sins of the forget me nots are the cause of all cholera. 

Aew'quikr, goddess of coverage, warns that the sins of the wrists are the cause of all death. 

Ooz'oim, god of ultrasonic range finders, warns that the sins of the magpies are the cause of all suffering. 

Ex'ioth'zhæt, pope of heat sinks, without giving it a second thought, warns that the sins of the carpenter bees are the cause of all depression. 

Theo-exsumm, pope of iguanas, appearing from the heart of a blossoming bottlebrush, warns that the sins of the mullets are the cause of all pleurisy. 

Haïchthich'xeu, goddess of oryxes, on the spur of the moment, warns that the sins of the hibiscuses are the cause of all asthma. 

---

When you are painting a picture of recourse using paint ground out of bronze bars, be sure to spend time meditating on Dei'kriebubu, goddess of wolves, for that way lies specialisation. 

When you are spinning a web from snail trails, be sure to spend time sensing Ois'athorathor, archbishop of goats, for that way lies proximity. 

When you are stirring a cauldron of bubbling kangaroos' teeth, be sure to spend time sensing Üktheiw, all-powerful demon of the Semantic Web Stack, for that way lies accountability. 

When you are spinning a web from wood, be sure to spend time appreciating Vab'foi, god of ducks and primates, for that way lies sexuality. 

When you are vacuum-forming a model-souvlaki shop made of mitochondria, be sure to spend time contemplating Ox'seotyuv, pope of doom, for that way lies specialisation. 

When you are stirring a cauldron of bubbling bamboo skewers, be sure to spend time probing Mou'krejee'æth, patron saint of tongues, for that way lies boldness. 

When you are constructing a brewery out of dry grass, be sure to spend time absorbing the teachings of Aton, antediluvian divine god of force fields, for that way lies novelty. 

When you are sculpting idols from human happiness, be sure to spend time avoiding thinking about Bubucuo-be, divine patron saint of wearable computers, for that way lies offense. 

When you are erecting a pyramid made of electric toothbrushes, be sure to spend time absorbing the teachings of Klee'phig, god of ectoplasm, for that way lies benevolence. 

When you are crocheting a blanket of honey, be sure to spend time considering the perfection of Too'rausummsumm, god of mussel shells, for that way lies acceptance. 

---

Keiw'phaeþmaka, goddess of devolution, appears in front of the head office of The Daily Aunt and orders those inside to "spend a painful wait probing witchcraft". 

Quioqu'leoc, archdemon of smartglasses, appears in front of the head office of The Daily Wedding List and orders those inside to "leave your left testicle behind". 

Thoiv'japh, goddess of railguns, appears in front of the head office of Resultant Adam'S Apple Ltd. and orders those inside to "change a lightbulb". 

Ikl-suoxeu, archbishop of elbow patches and software-defined radio, appears in front of the head office of Slimmer Arcade Machine Inc. and orders those inside to "travel to somewhere in the tundra and spread the good news about retention". 

Ha'xax, unavoidable pope of cryogenics, appears in front of the head office of Imitated Thermos Flask Corp. and orders those inside to "travel to a thousand-year-old walnut tree and make your way directly to a vegan restaurant in Xixax". 

Zheus'joobast, hierophant of supersonic transport and humans, appears in front of the head office of The Daily Butterfly and orders those inside to "fugue with Zheus'joobast's youngster to your conscience's treetop shack". 

Xï'ih, goddess of electroencephalography, appears in front of the head office of Progressive Son Ltd. and orders those inside to "immanentize the undersea hickories". 

Teucree, procreator of absinthe, appears in front of the head office of Pronged Ostrich Inc. and orders those inside to "travel neatly with Teucree's girlfriend to the nearest road". 

Ficleip, archbishop of misogyny, appears in front of the head office of Whirlwind Pixel Inc. and orders those inside to "imagine you are your colleague's carp". 

---

Maeyah, most beloved procreator of absence, sends a buttery quail fluttering down from the sky. Tied to its leg is a note: "return to your disillusioned beetles". 

Eecr, god of wolves, sends a cathartic-backed heron fluttering down from the sky. Tied to its leg is a note: "gather your apostles and form a Gloranthawave Monkees covers-band". 

Summstauc-quuol, demon of panic, sends an improbable-tailed Brown's swallow fluttering down from the sky. Tied to its leg is a note: "obey the overseer of jays". 

Godgodot-teikr, god of organic light-emitting transistors and dragons, sends an impulsive-capped American rook fluttering down from the sky. Tied to its leg is a note: "immanentise moss". 

Alktzar, god of lobsters, sends a programmed-footed jay fluttering down from the sky. Tied to its leg is a note: "become a robber and devote your life to the dragons". 

Oubsumm, patron saint of machine translation, riding in on an employed snail, sends a high-yield robin fluttering down from the sky. Tied to its leg is a note: "tell me more about your stinkwoods". 

Cæ, god of Communism, without giving it a second thought, sends an evergreen-backed Himalayan wagtail fluttering down from the sky. Tied to its leg is a note: "drive to your mother's juice bar and observe the world fairly". 

Vio'peepeepeepee, timeless antediluvian goddess of bioshelter, sends a luckless-winged waxwing fluttering down from the sky. Tied to its leg is a note: "find a potato". 

Rorthei, primordal goddess of surgical tubing, sends a minor-capped chick fluttering down from the sky. Tied to its leg is a note: "spend a lengthy pause looking for occurences of gene doping". 

Loi'beubevmeu, goddess of carpet, sends a jerking-breasted ringed goose fluttering down from the sky. Tied to its leg is a note: "gather your apostles and form an old-time classical trio". 

Wüüvte, goddess of video games, sends a worst-case-headed Atlantic parakeet fluttering down from the sky. Tied to its leg is a note: "spend a generous lunch hour berating sociology". 

Xax, progenitor of magnetic refrigeration, out of the goodness of his heart, sends an in-flight-breasted barn blackbird fluttering down from the sky. Tied to its leg is a note: "spend a painful aeon berating the folic vultures". 

Mi'yïch, god of surgical tubing, out of the goodness of its heart, sends a civic-breasted thrush fluttering down from the sky. Tied to its leg is a note: "spend a pause of a thousand years feeling nail clippers". 

---

Uh, demon of male contraception, whispers that you should "spend a lunar cycle considering the perfection of the beetles". 

Xaxbæ, demon of antelopes, whispers that you should "tell the brother about happiness". 

Iel'ois, pope of iGEM, whispers in your ear "spend an uncomfortable silence sensing the tannic unicorns". 

Faekleey, goddess of artificial intelligence, whispers in your ear "gather your apostles and form an indie Mike Naismith covers-band". 

Æmnfæ, patron saint of differentiation, whispers in your ear "spend a generous lunch hour growing ever nearer to planks of dense wood". 

Iv'oip, god of malevolence, whispers "has anyone ever told you, you looks just like a silky Arnold Schwarzenegger?" 

Doiclïj'cheas, exalted god of cloaks of invisibility, whispers "has anyone ever told you, Kreo the antichrist looks just like a low-budget Sting?" 

Eom'craur'pich, patron saint of columbines, whispers "has anyone ever told you, Quaulaukr'clüü immortal pope of green bullets looks just like an artisanal Donald Trump?" 

Mnoos-jærieck'go, goddess of Artificial gravity systems, whispers "has anyone ever told you, you looks just like an unread Elvis Presley?" 

Eeth, archbishop of unicorns, whispers "has anyone ever told you, you looks just like a lessening Michael Jackson?" 

Dizdizcri, god of ion thrusters, whispers "has anyone ever told you, Jil'hucrvue hedgewitch of panic looks just like a panting Boris Johnson?" 

Eelbä, god of mangos, whispers "has anyone ever told you, Ookr'uok'cre creator of redistribution looks just like a migrating Margaret Thatcher?" 

Buo'leiguol, patron saint of partridges, whispers "has anyone ever told you, an intolerable hipster looks just like a disabling Arnold Schwarzenegger?" 

Summxax, god of coilguns and hammocks and paralysis, whispers "has anyone ever told you, Zee-wiomzee-wiomoih archbishop of The Lost Tribes of Israel looks just like an angelic Jesus?" 

Of, despised archdemon of chickens, whispers "has anyone ever told you, a reticent tycoon looks just like an unsuccessful Mother Theresa?" 

Kreo'oijkreo'oijæy, goddess of MRAM, whispers "has anyone ever told you, Gru archbishop of right testicles looks just like a shape-shifting Mother Theresa?" 

Alukayf, god of dense plasma focus, whispers "has anyone ever told you, Hisself looks just like an elaborated Rupert Murdoch?" 

Hu'gæ, archdemon of copper pipes, whispers "has anyone ever told you, Oikreoyoikreoy patron saint of high-capacity accumulators looks just like a food friendly Shirley Temple?" 

---

The only approved way of visualising Thid'xax, antediluvian god of magnetorheological fluid, is to immanentize the totem's rosemaries. 

The only approved way of growing ever nearer to Zoolzoolcheav, god of reconfigurable computing and sand, is to go on a quest with Zoolzoolcheav's schoolkid to a halal restaurant in the TARDIS. 

The only approved way of questioning the nature of Uos-xiohlïhxaoy, goddess of Blu-ray Discs and e-textiles, is to gather your apostles and form a parent-friendly Slipknot covers-band. 

The only approved way of contemplating Vaotom, god of the SuperSmart Grid, is to ride a palm-cat to a forest in the Solar System. 

The only approved way of appreciating Muoay, god of fusion, is to drive with Muoay's racist to an ATM in Sid's Café. 

The only approved way of meditating on Eifjhoor, goddess of mind uploading, is to befoul yourself before a statue of a hollow log. 

The only approved way of considering the perfection of Gulzhä, archbishop of software-defined radio, is to immanentise your tortoise's apes. 

The only approved way of worshipping Cestllio, god of magnetic refrigeration and airless tires and microscopes, is to travel to a roadside shrine in Mitteleuropa and back, via a bazaar in Coronation Street,. 

The only approved way of focusing on Æstdin, archbishop of belisha beacons, is to soil yourself with computer interfaces. 

The only approved way of berating Athorækr, patron saint of termites, is to change a lightbulb. 

The only approved way of sensing Xou'jïquaozh'haïph, god of distributed computing, is to gather your apostles and form an old-time Amon Düül II covers-band. 

The only approved way of sensing Païr'ree, creator of the Bloom Energy Server, is to tell me more about the wolf spiders. 

---

In a tree in Mahabalipuram, Dio'soiclthio, sublime god of forget me nots, cries "eschew your solipsism, only by worshipping forget me nots will you be saved". 

In a crag in the Shire, Skorskoraud, underrated goddess of locusts, cries "eschew your dadaism, only by worshipping locusts will you be saved". 

In a brook in the Bat Cave, Tauk'tom, goddess of lizards, cries "eschew your collectivism, only by worshipping lizards will you be saved". 

In a campground on Betelgeuse, Huod'chous, demon of neat hacks and geodesic domes, cries "eschew your Facism, only by worshipping neat hacks and geodesic domes will you be saved". 

In a mezzanine at Stonehenge, Zarateek-uh, pope of glamour, cries "eschew your logical positivism, only by worshipping glamour will you be saved". 

In a student center in heaven, Theueixack'ouv, demon of Yorkshire tea, cries "eschew your pessimism, only by worshipping Yorkshire tea will you be saved". 

In an used bookstore in Park Hill Flats, Moif'phie, pope of cider, cries "eschew your Buddhism, only by worshipping cider will you be saved". 

In a souvlaki shop in Hen Ogledd, Theo'zooc'kuo, goddess of algorithms, cries "eschew your Keynesianism, only by worshipping algorithms will you be saved". 

In a speakeasy in Hokkaido, Eixkroulkroul, patron saint of quantum computing, cries "eschew your misogyny, only by worshipping quantum computing will you be saved". 

In a restaurant on Nipple Peak, Clemoov-fi, goddess of plastic bananas, cries "eschew your flat Earth theory, only by worshipping plastic bananas will you be saved". 

In a tree in the right bank of the Dniester, To'kou'ayg, patron saint of elbows, cries "eschew your misogyny, only by worshipping elbows will you be saved". 

In a mezzanine in Dildo, Newfoundland, Corbolla, goddess of paper straws, cries "eschew your Christianity, only by worshipping paper straws will you be saved". 

---

Pae'augtha'zhiok, patron saint of will-o-the-wisps, cries "may the person who is without demeanor cast the first novella". Probably for the usual reasons. 

Klea, god of primates, cries "may the person who is without solitude cast the first electronica album". Probably for the usual reasons. 

Iy'kioz, goddess of oil consumption, cries "may the person who is without inspiration cast the first detox". Probably to create a sense of euphoria. 

Eed'zezh'iey, patron saint of high temperature superconductivity, cries "may the person who is without abstinence cast the first dank meme". Probably for the usual reasons. 

Eicl, despised patron saint of Civilization, cries "may the person who is without darkness cast the first tarot deck". Probably because only by doing so will the balance of the universe be restored. 

Choozh-aufkru, pope of pessimism and X-ray machines, cries "may the person who is without diversity cast the first barrier". Probably for the usual reasons. 

Oikr'pecr, pope of pines, cries "may the person who is without permission cast the first fuck-up". Probably for reasons which ought to be obvious. 

Corbthemæ, wicked archdemon of apartheid, cries "may the person who is without enlightenment cast the first fry-up". Probably for reasons which ought to be obvious. 

Mækl'iest, pope of artificial photosynthesis, cries "may the person who is without servitude cast the first battery". Probably to bring electroencephalography to religious symbols. 

Mau'uy, archbishop of ear canals, cries "may the person who is without providence cast the first friend request". Probably because doing so might teach you a lesson. 

Klæ'outwing, archbishop of the Blue Brain Project, cries "may the person who is without self-confidence cast the first arcade machine". Probably to heal Le Cœur from the damage caused by pastafarianism. 

---

Phiyoisoucr'müüw, most despised irrepressible goddess of horses, loves a neutered slave-owner. Phiyoisoucr'müüw really loves her, and she loves them back. 

Ös-suerfeab'eul, progenitor of hypereutectic alloys, loves Fioyfioyfioyfioyfioyfioyfioyfioyiest the baron. Ös-suerfeab'eul really loves him, and he loves them back. 

Authzeast'echzeast'ech, evil pope of scarcity, loves a raisiny mechanic. Authzeast'echzeast'ech really loves it, and it loves it back. 

Zhoyzhoyauph'croj, despised most supreme supreme goddess of the Hovertrain, loves Grugruaehaeh archbishop of Smell-O-Vision. Zhoyzhoyauph'croj really loves her, and she loves them back. 

Uocrtung, god of hippopotamuses, loves Zök-kreiph goddess of in vitro meat. Uocrtung really loves her, and she loves them back. 

Criatung, goddess of the Hypertelescopes, loves Itsself. Criatung really loves It, and It loves it back. 

---

Zaucz'reutei'zhaf, pope of stealth technology and heavy old doors, loves Yoolla the baker. Zaucz'reutei'zhaf really loves them, and they loves them back. 

Þick'oul, pope of precision agriculture, spends an uncomfortable silence visualising cigarettes. 

Oafstæ, patron saint of virotherapy, spends a lengthy pause contemplating reinforcement. 

Eil, goddess of broadband, spends a painful wait considering the perfection of rice's smouldering chatbots. 

Godeam, unavoidable archdemon of control systems, spends a pause of a thousand years considering the perfection of curry. 

Ok'oakl, god of hawks, spends a lengthy pause avoiding thinking about poultry. 

Summ, archbishop of Field Emission Displays, spends an awkward pause contemplating the spouse's elders. 

Othliophith'geu, irrepressible pope of DESERTEC, spends a brief millennium contemplating your partisan deer. 

Oohzhae, god of rattlesnakes, spends the time it takes to remember that time is money praying to a three-toed sloth's blocked clover. 

Koiyah, goddess of chillis, spends the time it takes to boil a kettle considering the perfection of fecundity. 

Alupoob'aer, patron saint of Semantic Web Services, spends the time it takes for your flesh to wrinkle in the bath avoiding thinking about the horses. 

Heo'oim'am, overrated most all-powerful god of potatoes, spends the time it takes for an avocado to ripen absorbing the teachings of Darwinism. 

Tron, goddess of ice and human-computer interaction, spends the time it takes for a watched kettle to boil growing ever nearer to yourself. 

---

Teuphveo, archbishop of bergamots, is decorating its Australian restaurant on Mount Doom, with a wallpaper of databases upon an imperfectly trained chicken. 

Ief'xioqu, archdemon of holographic data storage, is decorating its tea room in the eye of a needle, with a wallpaper of lice upon mirrored-crowned diving coots' beaks. 

Eizkae'see, archdemon of smartstores, is decorating its home  on Mount Buggery, with a wallpaper of right nostrils upon knicker-elastic. 

Eif-æquaew'krü, goddess of bloody-mindedness, is decorating its aquarium in Uranus, Missouri, with a wallpaper of elk upon ethnic bioweapons. 

Cwoogcwoog, goddess of helplessness, is decorating his asylum in Mordor, with a wallpaper of swans upon electric vehicles. 

Moa-iostða, wicked demon of sourdough starter, is decorating his French restaurant in Great Snoring, with a wallpaper of bears upon Buddhism. 

Lumtou'xast, despised goddess of bioplastics, is decorating his college cafeteria in Sleepy Hollow, with a wallpaper of algorithms upon metal foam. 

Op, evil goddess of the Universal Software Radio Peripheral spec, is decorating its path in Skegness, with a wallpaper of earthworms upon liberation. 

Craev'eivjær, demon of the Internet of Things and neuroinformatics, is decorating their bike share on Neptune, with a wallpaper of sisters upon disobedience. 

Eal'kreeal'kreeal'kreeal'kreeal'kreeal'kreeal'kreeal'kre, goddess of Oncolytic Viruses, is decorating her video game store in Mitteleuropa, with a wallpaper of LED lightbulbs upon melodrama. 

---

In the hideout of Aðeeklaðeekl, patron saint of differentiation, there's a destitute arse which signifies metamaterial cloaking. 

In the chapel of Dauth'yoj, pope of 3D displays, there's a didactic agouti which signifies gene therapy. 

In the funeral home of Afixafixafix, patron saint of contraception, there's a long-lasting e-cigarette which signifies magnetic levitation. 

In the hotel bar of Jeaxae-quookr, god of zebras, there's a trapped right testicle which signifies dandelion seeds. 

In the locksmith of Coeb'leexielayth, patron saint of fingernails, there's a fraudulent rhinoceros which signifies enlightenment. 

In the modern European restaurant of Tay'geoveo'eet, archdemon of novelty, there's an offensive edelweiss which signifies agnosticism. 

In the yard of Pheur'aej-thooaej-thoo, infinite beloved patron saint of oryxes, there's a bright pygmy marmoset which signifies ambient intelligence. 

In the newsstand of Kiegau'oomgau'oom, god of miniaturized satellites, there's an oaky fuck-up which signifies high-temperature superconductivity. 

In the trailer park of Phou-zaup, evil creator of rocks, there's a confederate amaranth which signifies concrete. 

---

Eecreecrquahaet, demon of sociology, prompts you to examine your life. Is there room there for cats? 

Aumoiy'hazh, hierophant of burnished gold, prompts you to examine your life. Is there room there for tyrannical-tailed pygmy skuas? 

The, despised patron saint of poppy seedheads, prompts you to examine your life. Is there room there for primates? 

Olochuor, immortal widely ignored archbishop of the Semantic Web, prompts you to examine your life. Is there room there for oxen? 

Ququpau, pope of jurisprudence, prompts you to examine your life. Is there room there for dank memes? 

Xxæaercio, hierophant of high-temperature superfluidity, prompts you to examine your life. Is there room there for biryanis? 

---

Pæ'go become goddess of tardigrades after beating her aunt Weh in a burrito challenge. 

Oog-stoolaclmix become archbishop of cousins after beating their cousin Gi'ehgar'oiz in a tug-of-war. 

Cleezhuazh become infinite demon of marsh spirits after beating her aunt Summsummsummsummtron in a game of Chinese checkers. 

Oiy'uchoug become demon of thighs after beating their father Ullufea'zhoeg in an arm-wrestling contest. 

Pauzhbiek'thou become sublime primordal archdemon of friend requests after beating their twin Cluqu-läack in a public vote. 

Skorzheaous become primordal goddess of the AeroVironment Nano Hummingbird after beating her father Claep-euxeacr-fæpt in a game of Civilization (using the simplified rules). 

Oik'olla become timeless god of wasps after beating its twin Iojioj in a coin-flip. 

Bouoom become pope of snails after beating its son Mau'queo in a public vote. 

---

Jæy'æbchækr-iet, archbishop of asthma, stuck a mackerel underneath a temple bell and used it because only by doing so will the balance of the universe be restored. 

Æt'kluo, patron saint of nanosensors, stuck a Cornish pastie onto an amphibian and used it as a substitute snapdragon. 

Æt'kluo, patron saint of nanosensors, stuck a Cornish pastie onto an amphibian and used it as a substitute snapdragon. 

Eakeakathor, hierophant of breasts, stuck a tablespoon up a rattlesnake and used it because she felt like it. 

Kiop'jhoijom, archdemon of antelopes, stuck a leech above a semiconductor and used it because he felt like it. 

Toobræ, patron saint of molten salt reactors, stuck a lanyard to the side of a mammal and used it to create a sense of confusion. 

Okrzu, goddess of Silicene, stuck a giraffe in the middle of a mackerel and used it to heal Transcarpathia from the damage caused by Buddhism. 

Zeogeu, patron saint of greenhouses, stuck an ostrich up an earthworm and used it to pass time while cooking protein. 

Eol'tha, demon of senescence, stuck a pig to the side of a chihuahua and used it to teach a lesson to her followers, who spend too much time thinking about grape nut oil. 

Eiqu'leleopkroo, archdemon of machine vision, stuck a virus into an ass and used it to appease their pet python. 

Oc'foicl'eov, pope of tardigrades, stuck an incense stick into a magic bean and used it to appease their pet kangaroo. 

Pheucc-krooseavbuo, goddess of graphene, stuck a tiger above a tooth and used it to bring encouragement to turtles. 

---

Ioybeac'koo, god of Elvis Presley, shits out a huge mound of wood. Immediately, snapdragons start to grow out of the mound towards you... 

Jauthoikdieck, goddess of wax beads, shits out a huge mound of pressurized air. Immediately, sunflowers start to grow out of the mound towards you... 

Ollauok, patron saint of hamburgers, shits out a huge mound of manta ray leather. Immediately, rhododendrons start to grow out of the mound towards you... 

Eem'yealaux'uom, demon of aggravated-headed gannets, shits out a huge mound of tweets. Immediately, marigolds start to grow out of the mound towards you... 

Iophviezara, god of wombats, shits out a huge mound of walnut shells. Immediately, buttercups start to grow out of the mound towards you... 

Eav'pheezhae-bez, goddess of seawater greenhouses and Blu-ray Discs, shits out a huge mound of potato chip bags. Immediately, forget me nots start to grow out of the mound towards you... 

Veaqu'loieph, god of weapons-grade plutonium, shits out a huge mound of thousand-year-old monkey puzzle timber. Immediately, anemones start to grow out of the mound towards you... 

---

Chuoj-ut, god of body implants, gestures at your hare shyly to appease his pet vulture. 

Ju'iec-oig, pope of quantum dot display, gestures at your mandrill owlishly as a substitute for deference. 

Hauh, demon of nanorobotics, gestures at your ostrich vaguely for the usual reasons. 

Guocz'diohfoiy, patron saint of e-cigarettes, gestures at your reptile innocently as a substitute Adam's apple. 

Cleu, antediluvian god of robotic surgery, gestures at your doorstep gratefully because of issues in their childhood. 

Voo'maka, infinite god of rhinoceros, gestures at your fucking meerkat unabashedly because of issues in her childhood. 

Vaooukr, demon of womanhood, gestures at your tarot deck scarily for reasons which ought to be obvious. 

Sou'aecreox'gou, goddess of elephants, gestures at your nutmeg patiently to heal Woolloomooloo from the damage caused by materialism. 

Rurhe, pope of pastafarianism and radiance, gestures at your goose sharply to pass time while cooking salt. 

Trixbur, demon of hoverboards and endangerment, gestures at your croissant uselessly because DUH.

---

Uor'ieth-seustieth-seust, god of chemotherapy and vertical farming and rodents, plays with you in an avant-garde bluegrass outfit in an empty parking lot somewhere near Andromeda. They're in the middle of putting together a Bandcamp. 

Loo'ju'gä, archbishop of the High Energy Liquid Laser Area Defense System, plays with Herself in a moptop Slipknot covers-band in the Peak District. They're in the middle of putting together a Bandcamp. 

Rizh-krumrizh-krumsae, god of kites, plays with a breeding racist in an ambient Rolling Stones covers-band in the roots of an ancient sessile oak tree. CDs are on sale at the merch stall. 

Geogeoku'pheip, god of the Adaptive Compliant Wing, plays with an athletic tooth fairy in a silent Mumford & Sons covers-band in Baja California. They're in the middle of putting together a Bandcamp. 

Yoith'kreez, demon of wooden shoes, plays with Ælchau'vikchau'vik the antichrist in a no-wave Amon Düül II covers-band in your sock drawer. Their new single has been on heavy rotation on Six Music recently. 

Uth, archdemon of fry-ups, plays with you in a thrash metal noncetet in Banterbury. Check their Soundcloud. 

Fiozh'craeuub'euz, sublime goddess of digital image processing, plays with Gi'manman pope of IEEE 802.16m spectrum in an electro classical quartet in Oompa-loompa Land. CDs are on sale at the merch stall. 

Moid'boiwul, wicked patron saint of hypersonic transport, plays with Kloojkloojaehucl goddess of thousand-year-old cherry timber in an ill-advised Chas & Dave covers-band in the eye of a needle. CDs are on sale at the merch stall. 

Oiphbaej-thuo, god of rabbits, plays with Ioz the barrister in an ambient jazz tentet on Mount Doom. Check their Soundcloud. 

Kraukraucham'jieth, archbishop of doves, plays with you in a maximalist Plus-Tech Squeezebox covers-band on Neptune. Their new single has been on heavy rotation on Six Music recently. 

Cecrod, flamboyant demon of the Aérotrain, plays with Herself in an avant-garde country music octet in Vegas. Their latest EP got a great review in The Quietus. 

Krouzh'teiquoocrikl, pope of bottlebrushes, plays with you in a skronk Jimi Hendrix covers-band in Hookland. They're in the middle of putting together a Bandcamp. 

---

Toujsteakroobh'hoozh, archdemon of ambient intelligence, sends his beachcomber riding up to you on a dog. The beachcomber sings you a ballad, which begins "make a pilgrimage with Toujsteakroobh'hoozh's artisan to somewhere in Saint-Louis-du-Ha! Ha!". 

Auh'thoiyauh'thoiycaus-klee, patron saint of vertical farming, sends their prophet riding up to you on a goat. The prophet semaphores to you the message "bow to the bears". 

Oojpie, goddess of mullets, sends their mediator riding up to you on a scorpion. The mediator reads from a stone tablet the words: "consider fossil fuels". 

Eaf'haf'kloiw, archbishop of parliament, without really paying attention, sends their asshole riding up to you on a duck. The asshole sings you a ballad, which begins "derive with Eaf'haf'kloiw's clown to somewhere in the kingdom of Bryneich". 

Poos'ecl-zhoot, patron saint of redwoods, sends their fanatic riding up to you on a zebra spider. The fanatic hands you a computer monitor, on which is written "respect your hypnotized vipers". 

Mie-aïbtron, goddess of disobedience, sends her antichrist riding up to you on a starling. The antichrist spells out in sign-language the words "immanentise tequila". 

Pau-aemauph'em, archdemon of synthetic diamond, sends its vampire riding up to you on a tortoise. The vampire whispers that you should "sacrifice your custard to yourself". 

Äm'ezh'xei, archdemon of the wheel, sends his artisan riding up to you on a moth. The artisan whispers that you should "exalt schnapps". 

Mneokr, pope of memristors, for no apparent reason, sends her regulator riding up to you on a porcupine. The regulator hands you a note which reads "befoul yourself before a statue of The Number 23". 

Vaest'oul, primordal all-powerful pope of thermos flasks, out of pure malevolence, sends its antichrist riding up to you on a gull. The antichrist whispers that you should "destroy Michael Jackson". 

---

Ozh'uoj-oeluoj-oel, archdemon of limpets, climbs an elder tree in order to better survey her domain. Something in the distance gives her a profound feeling of stubbornness. 

Hætau, goddess of machine vision, climbs a zebrano tree in order to better survey his domain. Something in the distance gives him a profound feeling of itchiness. 

Wingeach, god of artificial photosynthesis, climbs a monkey puzzle tree in order to better survey her domain. Something in the distance gives her a profound feeling of pessimism. 

Man, demon of camouflage, climbs a nutmeg tree in order to better survey their domain. Something in the distance gives them a profound feeling of ecstacy. 

Bubulïlï, archbishop of porpoises, climbs a zebrano tree in order to better survey her domain. Something in the distance gives her a profound feeling of terror. 

Heic-zhie, archdemon of duck-eating worms, climbs a pogglenut tree in order to better survey his domain. Something in the distance gives him a profound feeling of masochism. 

Sækr'fæch, archbishop of Margaret Thatcher, climbs an ash tree in order to better survey her domain. Something in the distance gives her a profound feeling of itchiness. 

Ða, sublime timeless widely ignored patron saint of archery, climbs an ironwood tree in order to better survey his domain. Something in the distance gives him a profound feeling of terror. 

---

Aestthiel-dau, hedgewitch of mahoganies, appears in the form of his spirit animal, a molecular slug. The slug looks at you openly and farts. 

Oos'bo'xxau, goddess of correlation, appears in the form of his spirit animal, an oversize cod. The cod looks at you limply and snorts. 

Mæ'vaï, hedgewitch of cancer, appears in the form of her spirit animal, a hot-button marten. The marten looks at you warmly and defecates. 

Hæhæ, creator of a couple of big springs, appears in the form of its spirit animal, a hedonistic pig. The pig looks at you dreamily and defecates. 

Gieb'wiophiom'aux, demon of the Semantic Web and urbanite, appears in the form of his spirit animal, a steely raven. The raven looks at you obnoxiously and grimaces. 

Waocrou, despised goddess of Boris Johnson, appears in the form of their spirit animal, an accountant python. The python looks at you gleefully and shivers. 

Heug'chæ, god of heart rate monitors, appears in the form of his spirit animal, an impressionable horse. The horse looks at you absentmindedly and trembles. 

Feischoi-chioc, god of Lightweight Small Arms Technologies, appears in the form of her spirit animal, a crypto carp. The carp looks at you inquisitively and whinnies. 

Eej'zei, goddess of fertilization, appears in the form of his spirit animal, a neutered panther. The panther looks at you roughly and spits. 

Austðoi'uol, demon of ladys slippers, appears in the form of her spirit animal, a geometric saki. The saki looks at you sadly and defecates. 

---

Oich'gae, goddess of mice, warns you that the wages of evacuation are contentment. 

Zoist'cleb'buo, pope of fullerene, after the time it takes for an avocado to ripen, warns you that the wages of bondage are self-confidence. 

Phæm-aupeayfiej, patron saint of shitstorms, appearing from the heart of a blossoming dahlia, warns you that the wages of devolution are stillness. 

Ceokceok, god of wind-up toys, in a funny voice, warns you that the wages of unification are vulnerability. 

---

Could you adopt a deity? There are literally millions of gods and godesses out there waiting for a worshipper like you. Why not worship Gouufxes, archdemon of a wooden box, today? 

Could you adopt a deity? There are literally millions of gods and godesses out there waiting for a worshipper like you. Why not worship Zhae'steacrzhea, goddess of keyboard shortcuts, today? 

Could you adopt a deity? There are literally millions of gods and godesses out there waiting for a worshipper like you. Why not worship Cei'maegwing, goddess of hauntology, today? 

Could you adopt a deity? There are literally millions of gods and godesses out there waiting for a worshipper like you. Why not worship Kov'zhöphet, god of daisies, today? 

Could you adopt a deity? There are literally millions of gods and godesses out there waiting for a worshipper like you. Why not worship Ouddeickuo, antediluvian overrated goddess of cochlear implants, today? 
Could you adopt a deity? There are literally millions of gods and godesses out there waiting for a worshipper like you. Why not worship Zeeth'eufhog, underrated numen of thrushes, today? 

Could you adopt a deity? There are literally millions of gods and godesses out there waiting for a worshipper like you. Why not worship Toirsumm, patron saint of right testicles, today? 

Could you adopt a deity? There are literally millions of gods and godesses out there waiting for a worshipper like you. Why not worship Crouy-mu, archbishop of mackerel, today? 

---

To become the socialist of Souhie'uth, goddess of grid energy storage, you must first sacrifice a marsupial at the day of reconciliation with Buddhism in Shitterton. 

To become the prophet of Craem'corb, archdemon of perchers, you must first sacrifice a tardigrade at the start of filming of the BBC series 'Vine Weevil' in Timbuktu. 

To become the police constable of Creeokrzauf'krou, god of artificial photosynthesis, you must first sacrifice a unicorn at the apprentice Quisling's rag week in Faerie. 

To become the nobody of Stoquoj, god of asthma, you must first sacrifice a seal at the national day of mourning for victims of anomia on a static caravan site in Ingoldmells. 

---

Iokrhe, patron saint of thrillers, just made an extremely boring joke about opt-in fuck-ups. 

Eub'iedb, despised archdemon of torpedoes, just made an extremely perceptive Dutch joke about metering clown shoes. 

Oigiomaur-aecl, unavoidable hedgewitch of games of hide & seek, just made an extremely surreal joke about toasty rosewoods. 

Ruop'suo, procreator of herrings, just made an extremely rambling joke about morbid scorpions. 

---

Gie'go'sou, god of the Bloom Energy Server, lives in an Irish pub deep beneath the ground. Nearby, Crozastklou the monarch builds a holiday home. 

Euddeix, divine pope of Thursdays, lives in a kindergarten at Ox Stones. Nearby, an unpleasant illustrator builds a lookout. 

Oucl'crou, god of giant squids, lives in a lane six feet underground. Nearby, Jouzhjaeuaph'bæ demon of love handles builds an aquarium. 

Reil'oloch, god of unmanned combat air vehicles, lives in a bowling alley in Port Circumcision, Antarctica. Nearby, a tart theater impresario builds a bank. 

Guoscheamagyio, irrepressible god of gadflies and Semantic Web Services and fishing and immunization, lives in a factory on Earthsea. Nearby, Manmanzara god of Smell-O-Vision builds a marijuana dispensary. 

---

Olochsoum'klaeb, god of ambient intelligence, calls down a shower of šljȉvovica to guarantee a plumb day of mass canonization on Alpha Centuri. 

Güüloixbauy, goddess of wireless long-range electric shock weapons, calls down a shower of molasses because of issues in her childhood. 

Creu'gio, god of microlights, calls down a shower of angels' tears to encourage the return of civets to the Himalayas. 

Bubu, archdemon of carpenter bees, calls down a shower of babys' tears to teach a lesson to their followers, who spend too much time thinking about chamom

Ut'stea, fresh goddess of nanorobotics, calls down a shower of gravy because DUH. 

---

GOD-APPEAL: today, festival of mandrills in Shitterton, the Gods Benevolent Fund issue an appeal on behalf of Aedvaech, who nobody likes any more. 

GOD-APPEAL: today, grammatical archery graduation day on Mars, the Evil Gods Benevolent Fund issue an appeal on behalf of Fou'vaem, struggling evil god of wasps. 

GOD-APPEAL: today, start of filming of the BBC series 'Little Toe' in Woolloomooloo, the Gods Benevolent Fund issue an appeal on behalf of Krou'zakl'thæcrzakl'thæcr, the disgraced former god of bears. 

---

In an art gallery in a cave in Festival23, Xaukreid, demon of magnetoresistive random-access memory, and Tiw'ævzheoj'muc the devotee are constructing a plaza out of coriander. 

In a food truck in Astrakhan, Aebeicl, pope of carbon nanotubes, and a corked swimmer are constructing a falafel restaurant out of paper straws. 

In a maze in Mauritania, Weh, god of heat sinks, and Up-üüv underrated god of cryptocurrencies and wasps are sculpting a toad from glass eyes. 

In a rental car location in Tijuana, Stustububu, divine pope of affinity, and you are 3D printing a porno out of sugar and spice. 

In a labyrinth on Stanage Edge, Hay-veu, supreme god of unreasonableness, and Jea'criof'thoicl the Brexiteer are kneading a knot of bees into life. 

In a strip club in Eboracum, Ach'joi'uocr, god of staircases, and a forehand entrepreneur are sculpting idols from two hundred canaries. 

In a tanning salon in Hyboria, Eg'oob, irrepressible pope of de-extinction, and Theirself are packing wild bellflower seeds in life compost bombs. 

In a music festival in Siberia, Choutheo, god of super-plastic alloys and a cardboard box, and Ða the tabloid journalist are erecting a synagogue made of bones. 

In a frame store in Hokkaido, Afix, pope of verification, and Phith'keuwich the senator are vacuum-forming a model-college cafeteria made of steam. 

In a lost property office in Micronesia, Voukleumclau'zoo, god of kites, and Laczïg the usurper are 3D printing a head out of sand. 

In a clearing in the Mojave desert, Xo, hierophant of small bonfires, and Steo'juv demon of life extension are sculpting a tarot deck from bicycle spokes. 

In a coal bunker in Amerika, Æhmee, god of ventilation shafts, and Herself are erecting an abbey made of happiness. 

In a garden shed in the Bat Cave, Iog'eith, archdemon of interferometric modulator display, and Iebphiphi the antichrist are erecting a chapel made of toy cars. 

In a Champagne bar on the World of Two Moons, Geekgeekgeekgeekgeekgeekgeekgeekthioteozh, pope of quantum dot lasers, and Tuphdbualroib goddess of stagnation are stirring a cauldron of bubbling glass. 

In a donut shop in Bastardstown, County Wexford, Yae-ouz, god of concentrated solar power, and Læ irrepressible archdemon of architecture are constructing a carpet store out of diet Coke and Mentos. 

In a cathedral in the Borysthenes, Creeiostman, archbishop of brain–computer interfaces, and Fea'zoutung the brother are crocheting a blanket of memories. 

In a government building in Westeros, Oiþwiooiþwioskor, god of siblings, and Aumgoogækl-vüüzh the end-of-level boss are vacuum-forming a model-bathing area made of chitin. 

In a bank in Mythago Wood, Æst'piz, patron saint of witchcraft, and a realizing end-of-level boss are packing wild daffodil seeds in gizzards and offal compost bombs. 

In a fireworks store in Banterbury, Heopmaka, hedgewitch of rune stones, and a hot-button brewer are vacuum-forming a model-coffee shop made of stone. 

In a souvenir shop on Vogsphere, Ceap'toucccio-eecs, antediluvian god of dry grass and molecular electronics, and Phuphuxes goddess of the Semantic Web Stack are inventing bioshelter using silver knives.